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L-Space Excursions
Ramblings of a Lantean Browncoat
Fic - Republican 
25th-Aug-2008 11:08 pm
Lorne Grin
Title: Republican
Author: slybrarian
Rating: hard R for sexual situations (maybe verging on NC-17, although I wouldn't think so)
Pairing: established McKay/Sheppard with added Lorne
Words: 1691
Warnings: Mild bondage, very bad manners
Summary: Lorne joins McKay and Sheppard for a bit of extracurricular fun, and finds that it doesn't go quite as he imagined - or rather, it goes as he really should have imagined, if he had been thinking about things clearly instead of "this will be so hot."

Notes: This fic is completely sheafrotherdon's fault. Over at the Fannish Bulwer-Lytton Contest she wrote an entry of, "I'm a Republican!" said Lorne, and immediately everyone lost their erections. (Actually that's the beginning of the BEST FANFIC EVER. Someone needs to write that). Since I needed a break from editing my other fic (which I'm sure you're all reading, right?) I went ahead and wrote it.

"I'm a Republican!" said Lorne, and immediately everyone lost their erections. That was rather the point, of course, but needless to say it put a bit of a crimp in their activities - namely, hot three-way sex... actually, on second thought, perhaps this is not the best story to begin in media res. Let's rewind a bit.

The proposal had come out of the blue. Sure, Lorne had been watching Sheppard and McKay for a while, but he'd never acted on the attraction he felt. He knew they were together, of course - no one who had seen McKay run down a hallway half-naked, wet, and sometimes even trailing bubbles while shouting for Sheppard so he could show the colonel his latest bath-inspired idea could possibly miss it - and he had suspected Sheppard had caught him watching more than once, but half the base looked at one or the other. In any case, Lorne hadn't been expecting in the least when at the end of a long, work-filled afternoon Sheppard had casually mentioned that he had heard from a reliable source that Lorne enjoyed certain activities. Under other circumstances, Lorne might have been annoyed with said source, but he would trust both him and Sheppard with his soul and so he admitted that was the case. Then Sheppard suggested that perhaps Lorne would be interested in joining him and McKay for a bit of fun involving those activities - maybe for a night, maybe longer if things worked out.

Not being an idiot, Lorne agreed, of course.

That was how Lorne found himself spread-eagle on McKay's bed, with his arms and legs held securely in position by a set of re-purposed medical restraints that Sheppard had somehow acquired, a ring around his cock and balls, and a pillow under his ass to prop it up for easy access. McKay and Sheppard sat cross-legged on either side of him, running their hands around Lorne's thighs, stomach, and chest, getting to know every inch of his skin, all while debating which toy to start with - this one was a bit longer, this one a bit thicker, this one was ribbed for his pleasure. Lorne couldn't see what all they had laid out down between his legs. That just made the anticipation all the better for him, and he could already tell that this was going to be every bit as much fun as the last time he'd done this with a couple - probably better, in fact, and with a lot less chance of a colonel misplacing his pants in the process.

Then Sheppard snickered - and it wasn't his smooth, sexy chuckle, it was the snicker of a thirteen-year-old boy - and things started to go to hell.

"What?" McKay snapped.

"That one's, just, you know..." Sheppard waved towards the dildo McKay had just picked up. "It's purple. And sparkly."

"...and?" McKay replied in a dangerous tone.


"Oh, please, it's never 'nothing' with you. Spill."

"It's just a little bit gay. That's all."

"Gay," McKay repeated, his mouth set in a firm line. "Unlike, I suppose, all the other non-homosexual sex toys."

"Uh, guys?" Lorne said plaintively. The two of them had stopped touching him, and for that matter even looking at him, and needless to say this was making him more than a little bit frustrated. Neither of them paid any attention to him. He raised his head a bit to glance their way and while, yes, the dildo was bright purple and was a bit sparkly, he was a bit more interested in how it would feel inside him than how it looked.

"Look, I'm just saying - purple and sparkly? That's a little bit on the fabulous end of the spectrum."

"I'm sorry, have you not looked at your own curtains recently?"

"Seriously, guys, can't this wait?" Lorne wiggled his hips a little and his cock bobbed a bit.

"Those curtains were a gift from Teyla."

"Oh, bullshit. I remember you saying something about how nice they looked on that market planet."

"That's not the same thing as picking them out specifically, unlike, say, specifically ordering something that's all glittery."

"It's not like I went out shopping for it! I just grabbed whatever looked useful."

It was becoming increasingly obvious to Lorne that this conversation was not going to be ending anytime soon, and he was getting more than a little annoyed about it. There he was, tied to a bed, ass wet and ready, cock hard as a rock, and they wanted to talk about this rather than take advantage of him? Yeah, no, that wasn't what he'd agreed to at all.

"I'm a Republican!" said Lorne, and immediately everyone lost their erections.

Sheppard and McKay turned to stare at him, and after a few moment's silence McKay said, "Can I just say again that that has to be the weirdest safeword ever?"

"Pretty damned effective, though," Sheppard muttered, looking down at his limp dick. "What's wrong, Lorne?"

"How about the fact that you two won't shut up?" Lorne snapped. He tugged at the restraints. "Get me out of these."

The other two went to work on them instantly, undoing the snaps with practiced ease. They came off quickly, which was one reason for using them - no one in Atlantis could afford to be tied up so thoroughly they couldn't be released in a few seconds. Sometimes Lorne thought that was unfortunate, but at the moment he was very glad of the precaution. The moment he was free, he sat up and scooted a few feet back so he was at the head of the bed. He considered the idea of bawling them out, but instead settled for glaring and waiting to see what kind of excuse they'd come up with.

They sat down at the opposite end of the bed, glancing at Lorne and each other and shifting uncomfortably. Sheppard broke first. "Okay, so maybe we got a little distracted."


"I'd just like to point out that I'm not the one who started," McKay began, but Lorne cut him off.


Sheppard smirked. "Yeah, Rodney, why don't you -"

"Shut up, sir," Lorne snapped in his best command voice. Sheppard reflexively shut his mouth and boggled a bit, then he and McKay shared a confused glance, as if they didn't quite know what to make of all this. Lorne didn't give them time to start making more excuses, knowing that he might never shut them up if they started bickering again. "You know, this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me wonder how the hell Teyla ever puts up with you off-world. If you're this bad as hosts, God only knows how bad you are as guests. "

Sheppard gaped at him and McKay's mouth opened and closed a few times, until he finally managed, "It's not my fault that Sheppard always gets us run off planets."

"What? I'm sorry, who was it who insulted the Hierchon last week?"

"At least I didn't get us thrown in jail for molesting the mayor's daughter."

"She's the one who kept grabbing my ass, not the other way around!"

"Shut up!" Lorne shouted. They looked at him wide-eyed, like they couldn't quite believe he was raising his voice at them and were wondering if perhaps he had been taken over by a Goa'uld. "This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. Look, I knew you two have the social skills of wet yaks, but I never imagined you'd think it was a good idea start an argument about whether a sex toy is gay while you've got a man tied to your bed!"

"Never had any complaints before," McKay muttered.

"So here's the situation, gentlemen." Lorne held up his hand and started ticking off fingers. "One! I was promised scorching hot three-way sex. Two! I am extremely horny and frustrated right now, because I've spent the last several days anticipating this and haven't jerked off in that time. Three! The fact that this frustration is not being relieved has, as you might imagine, left me more than a little annoyed. Four! A frustrated and annoyed major is a cranky major, and believe me, you will not like me if I'm cranky." Lorne smiled inwardly when Sheppard swallowed and paled a bit, knowing full well what sort of paperwork-related nightmares Lorne could inflict on him. "Would you two like to know how to stay off my shit list?"

Sheppard looked at McKay. McKay looked at Sheppard. The expressions on their faces made it clear they were thinking about about what had happened to poor Lt. Colonel Zilwicki of the SGC logistics department when she had foolishly chosen to engage Lorne in bureaucratic warfare. Finally, McKay cautiously ventured, "Yes?"

"Before this little... interruption occurred, things were going pretty well, so clearly you're not completely incompetent." McKay started to sputter. Lorne ignored him. "So, I'm pretty sure all you two need is a little bit of guidance for us all to have some fun and, most importantly, a few orgasms. Anyone have a problem with that?"

If Lorne had known that this would render McKay speechless so effectively, he'd have tried it a long time ago. Eventually Sheppard said, "Uh. No, not really."

"Not at all," McKay quickly agreed.

"Good. Now, you're going to blow each other and I'm going to take the big gay dildo here," Lorne picked it up and waved it a bit, "and prep myself a bit while watching. Then I'll decide which of you gets to fuck me first, and while this is all going on, neither of you is going to insult, complain about, or otherwise bicker with the other. Clear?"

"...yes, sir," they said.

Suffice to say, the rest of the night went much smoother.

(Deleted comment)
26th-Aug-2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
He has a point! Albeit one that's completely irrelevant to the situation.
26th-Aug-2008 04:04 am (UTC)
Bwahahaha! Go Lorne!

My favorite part:

"Shut up, sir," Lorne snapped in his best command voice. Sheppard reflexively shut his mouth and boggled a bit, then he and McKay shared a confused glance, as if they didn't quite know what to make of all this.
26th-Aug-2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
Poor guys, probably wondering if they had some other universe's Lorne, and completely missing the point.
26th-Aug-2008 04:04 am (UTC)
Too funny! You know you're a good writer when you can take something like that and go with it. Brilliant!
26th-Aug-2008 02:43 pm (UTC)
26th-Aug-2008 04:09 am (UTC)
giggles loud enough to make the cat run*
26th-Aug-2008 02:46 pm (UTC)
*snickers inappropriately*
26th-Aug-2008 04:20 am (UTC)
...I love take charge/kickass Lorne. He's so fun. I saw him on Battlestar Galactica today, Buster the Pegasus Raptor Pilot. So hawt, so sad he bit it. Yey for Kavan roles though!
26th-Aug-2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
Heh. Poor Battlestar-Lorne, a minute of screen time just to die offscreen. Not only that, but the poor guy was stuck on a ship full of psychos. Lorne doesn't know how good he has it.
26th-Aug-2008 04:42 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

I'm so considering making 'Republican' my new safeword...except I'd totally have to laugh if I ever really wanted to use it.

So,so,so funny!
26th-Aug-2008 02:51 pm (UTC)
heh heh. Probably for the best, really - someone might think that 'republican' means 'could you put me in a wetsuit?' or something like that.
26th-Aug-2008 05:56 am (UTC)
go Lorne
26th-Aug-2008 02:51 pm (UTC)
26th-Aug-2008 08:02 am (UTC)

Yes, I can believe how a threesome with John and Rodney might derail like this. Poor Lorne. Good that gets a chance to fix it.
26th-Aug-2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
He'll fix it all right - he just needs a rolled-up paper or something so he can smack their noses anytime they start to screw up. Granted, that's not quite the roll he was intending to take, but he can improvise.
26th-Aug-2008 10:40 am (UTC)
Lmao...that's just gorgeous right there. There are some couples you should never get between, and poor Lorne found that out literally. The sad thing is, I could so see this happening.
26th-Aug-2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, Lorne knew that they might have a few little issues given how weird they are, but he thought they couldn't be worse than last time he tried this sort of thing. He should have realized that anything that was quirky but fun at the SGC would be roughly six thousand times worse in Atlantis.
(Deleted comment)
26th-Aug-2008 02:55 pm (UTC)
*whaps you with a paper* No! No snickering!
(Deleted comment)
26th-Aug-2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
Best safe word EVER

Thanks for sharing!
26th-Aug-2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
It really is, isn't it?
26th-Aug-2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
bwaaaa hahahaha OMG, that was brilliant!
26th-Aug-2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
26th-Aug-2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
::howling with laughter::

Yes, you tell 'em, Lorne!

26th-Aug-2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
Damned straight he's telling 'em. He's not going to put up with this. *g*
26th-Aug-2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
::snorts with laughter::

Beautiful :D
26th-Aug-2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
26th-Aug-2008 10:28 pm (UTC)
Finally. Lorne gets to have his ... say.
26th-Aug-2008 10:53 pm (UTC)
Among other things. :D
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